Saturday, April 11, 2009

In lieu of a smoke, a toothpick will have to do.

Just finally finished the book I've been reading since September. I got Hunter Thompson's The Great Shark Hunt for my birthday last year and have been picking at it on and off ever since. I love the feeling of finishing a book...reading those last few words on the page and then closing it. You look at the back cover, something you've seen and read over a million times already, but this time, there's that air of finality to it. You can finally put the book on the shelf and really mean it this time.
It shouldn't have taken me six and a half months to finish this book, but I've been busy in between starting it and now. I love books, but I don't read for the journey, I read for the destination. Nothing feels quite as good as finishing a book, and I like looking at my shelf and being able to say that I've made legitimate progress. I've proven myself to be a quick reader but a hard thinker, but nothing ever goes as planned...hard thinking...I guess that's what you could call what I'm doing now.

I'm sitting at my desk, looking out at the clouds that have gathered over the parking lot to my apartment complex. Just 3 hours ago, the sky was clear and the sun was out. Is it the weather that affects my mood, or the other way around? Have I discovered the power to call clouds to do my bidding simply by sitting down and thinking about things? And what is it that I have to think about to bring the various changes? If I was mad enough, could I produce hurricanes?
I wouldn't even call this mood 'depressed'. I have nothing to be sad about. I'm truly doing alright in life. Nor am I poignant or pensive or anything else. I'm simply just thinking...I've never liked the idea of 'thoughtful' as a mood, but it sortof applies here.

I should be doing homework, and I will soon. I have a bad habit of letting it pile up, and then being mad at myself as I sit there the night before it's due saying "you knew better." So I'm gonna wring it out now and not have to worry about it all day tomorrow. I've nothing else to do tonight, so why not?
Almost a full year of college down, and I don't know what I want to do with it. I can't legitimately tell myself that I'm wasting time, because I'm not. One minute of college education is better than willfully remaining ignorant, and I could never forgive myself if I was forced to go back to another dead-end job like the gas station for lack of trying. But as it turns out, my initial plan for college may not work out. The major thing that inspired me towards journalism (1UP and EGM) ended up showing me just what kind of reward hard work and dedication will get you in this business (corporate buyout and half their very talented staff got laid off simply because the new company didn't want to pay for the magazine anymore.)
So I'm caught in a bit of a reevaluation. I guess it's too early to be having the crisis at this point, as I've still got time to focus my studies elsewhere...but do I? I'm going to college off the money my father left me, which is finite and when it runs out, I'll lose the comfort level I had going into it. I feel like it will all sort itself out once I figure out a specialty, but simultaneously, to believe that is fooling myself into thinking that life only gets easier once you've pointed to a direction when in fact you have to move forward to accomplish anything.
I've been getting the feeling, with increasing frequency, that changes are afoot. That after this year, life will be a lot different than it's ever been before, even with the changes of last year. I'm not sure if I should be afraid of it or not, but the notion of the magnitude of the changes are looming to me.
Relationships breaking down; old friendships disolving (and then subsequently going unmissed, even); even the realization that the solid staples, the things that are permanent in your life, are beginning to look less and less so. We take so much for granted, that when the hammer finally falls, you come to a sudden stop with the weight of the change. Do you accept it and move on? Or do you stay in the past and fight for everything you've ever known.

More and more, the idea of moving on is starting to look appealing. I've always been a big fan of simplifying things, and I've come to the realization that there's no point in holding on to something if it won't benefit you any longer. After some careful examination, there was little benefit left to me in some of the friendships I've lost over the past year, so I'm not entirely sad that they're gone. I get the feeling that it's mutual, anyhow.
So then what do you do? You pick it up and slide along the path that you pointed to so long ago. It always seems like the checkered flag looks brightest from the starting line. The idea of putting away childish things always seemed sad and scary to me, but it's becoming necessary for the betterment of what lies ahead. I'm almost to the point now that I'd walk forward with my eyes shut if it keeps me from having to back up.

So I'll continue to figure out just what it is I want out of life, and who it is I want there with me in the end. The clouds have fully settled in the sky now, but I feel a lot better than when I started this so I guess that shuts out my theory of weather control. Oh well. There could have been money in that.